Before unloved daughters can begin to heal, they need not only to be able to recognize that they are wounded but also to see how the wounds shape their behaviors. It may seem counterintuitive but this is a process that can take years, not a single epiphany.

As one daughter, 39, told me: “ My relationships have been a disaster. Lovers and friends alike complain that I’m too needy, too clingy, and they feel smothered. When they pull back, I cling even more. My therapist pointed out that this is the pattern I have with my mother whose criticism is non-stop. I have spent my life trying to please her. I had no idea.”